The Great Hand Job Experiment
Awhile back I started asking around about hand jobs. Yes, there was a reason, as I explain below, but it turned out that the things people started telling me sort of eclipsed the original question. The way people answered was so refreshing and funny that there was really nothing to do but sum up the responses and circulate them. Quotes are in italics. So, here’s my little Kinsey Report…
Back Story: The other day I was privy to a conversation between two mid-twenty-something guys discussing their recent sexual escapades. They had both hooked up with girls the previous weekend, and both had gotten hand jobs. We’re talking to completion here, no mouth or other areas involved. And here’s the kicker: this wasn’t a we’re-doing-this-because-we-haven’t-done-anything-else-yet thing. One of the couples has had sex, another has had oral sex. My first reaction was ‘I don’t even remember the last time I did that’. My next thought was ‘Oh my god is everyone doing this but me?! Am I the one girl who’s not giving hand jobs?! Aah!’ There was only one way to find out so I started asking around.
Results: Turns out there was a pretty wide range of responses. A couple girls had never actually given one all the way to the end (“because it’s always led to something else…Isn’t it like a massage that’s not hard enough – can be more frustrating than enjoyable?”), and one person had only ever given one until a few weeks ago (“and basically I did it as a joke”, she said of her second). Another- “Honestly, I think the last time I gave a hand job to completion was when it prematurely completed itself”. Well honey, maybe you’re just too hot. Yowza.
Some people fell into a broad category that ranges from I-didn’t-want-to-give-a-blow-job-right-then-and-he-didn’t-ask-me-to-do-anything-else-so-boom-hand-job, to I-sort-of-hate-blow-jobs-in-fact-I-just-really-don’t–give-them-EVER-so-I-give-hand-jobs-instead.
There were a few who gave hand jobs on a regular basis, either because “it’s fun and sexy to mix things up” or “because like 30 seconds after he comes he’s ready to go again so I just give him a little help for a few moments and, voila”. FYI the latter is basically a multiple orgasm and was reported by only a very few people, so give your guy a congratulatory (envious?) little kiss (bite?) if this is him. “It’s just on the menu for some people”, said someone else.
Juicy tidbit: The Gays are all about hand jobs “because we’re usually more sexually adventurous and you can give them in public places like under the table at a bar”. God love ‘em.
In the end the majority were like me, as in, wow, it’s been a looooong time. Not that we never go there, it’s just we tend to “… use it as a “combo” option to help speed up other activites, or as a pre-cursor to other activities”, as one person explained, echoing a lot of people. Question is, has it been too long? Are our sex lives so proscribed that once we reach a certain point we never look back? What do men have to say?
To my somewhat incredulous reaction (“you got a… a what….?”) about their experiences both of the aforementioned guys shrugged, grinned, and said, “it felt great!” Ok. But then this response came from an email signed “Anonymous person who isn’t going to run for political office”:
In my opinion, and I’m pretty sure that I speak on behalf of 98% of all guys:
- The last time I got a hand job was in high school (and for anyone giving them out post-high school, come on! COME ON! Or even better, just COME! If I can stop watching Family Matters and Step by Step, you can stop giving hand jobs)
- Yes, hand jobs are enjoyable. But so is eating a somewhat dry bag of popcorn and watching paint dry for up to 15 seconds. A hand job is relatively less enjoyable than any other form of sexual activity. I would go so far as to argue, that I’d rather just make out than going down that route (get it? going down?).
“Maybe this guy just hasn’t ever had a good hand job”, observed Dana, my roommate, full of pity for him. But other guys also reported not being into them (from one such guy, “hand jobs are at best the 5 second fore-play to a blow job and they should stay in that 5 seconds” and another who might be a tad more flexible, “Hand jobs are only legit if the pants are still on. That being said, why the hell are your pants still on…Okay, it’s also legit if she goes HJ in between lays”). Many people pointed out that guys are “basically giving themselves a hand job every time they jerk off so they kind of know how to do it better”, “That’s another reason The Gays are into it, we know what we’re doing”.
So which is it? “Yah I’d like more hand jobs” (“Really?!”, his girlfriend exclaimed), “I’d rather just make out”, or “I’m all for them and some girls try but usually just can’t get me there”? The following response by a guy who knows waaay more about investment banking than I ever want to is probably on to something:
Bottom line is, until you can find someone able and willing to fully customize your sexual activity portfolio with a dynamic asset allocation tailored to your individual needs, its probably better to scan the Internet for new material and continue managing your own business by yourself.
Ok, well, managing your own business aside, it comes down to the fact that everyone is different. There’s not even a consensus whether a hand job speeds things up or ends up taking longer. However there are guys out there who mentioned that they would actually like a hand job every once in a while. “Why not?” asks one person. Why not indeed? And maybe Dana is right- maybe the quality of hand jobs out there just sucks, er, well, maybe ’sucks’ isn’t quite the right word…
Here’s the plan- if you’re getting some this weekend try a hand job. “… should I mention that plenty of lube was involved?”, asks one person of a recently enjoyed hand job- YES, you should, for gods sake. Reminder: enough saliva and you’ve got lube. Tip: One person only likes hand jobs in the shower, with “plenty of soap and water”. (Tip #2: Somewhat counter-intuitive and leaves me skeptical but hey-don’t-knock-it-’til-you’ve-tried-it – the dry handjob apparently has a small cult following. “Doesn’t that chafe?”, I exclaim. “Well yah I was a little sore but I came”, a friend says with a look that I’m pretty sure meant, “so it doesn’t matter that I was sore, duh“). And ladies it does you and your partner no favors unless you ask the guy what works and what doesn’t.
Who knows, maybe hand jobs wills be on your menu more often. Or maybe they won’t. But in a world of such varied preferences where we too often put ourselves on auto-pilot, it’s at least worth trying to switch back to manual every now and then, right?
PS I realize this article is all about pleasing the guy, it just happened that way. Yet as one person points out, “…part of my calculating strategy- if it’s more pleasurable for him, then he’ll do his best to make it more pleasurable for me (which has turned out to be true- thankfully)”.
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